Friday, August 27, 2010

Deleted Scenes from The Expendables

Instead of giving you a rousing review of this "film", I am going to provide you all with all the deleted scenes that will be on the Special Edition DVD, as reported to me by a friend:

"You know, it's hard to cut even one scene, let alone four... I feel, as a filmmaker, like I had, you know... four abortions."
   --Sylvester Stallone, from The Expendables Special Edition DVD


Stallone and Willis are confronted by a priest.

PRIEST: "Have you come here for forgiveness?"

Willis spins around and fires a bullet into the priest's forehead (the only use of a muzzle silencer in the entire film).

WILLIS: "It's a little too late for that, padre."


Lundgren is shooting heroin as his dealer, played by Samuel L. Jackson, finishes a bottle of beer.
Jackson hands the empty bottle to Lundgren.

JACKSON: "Do that trick you showed me the last time."

Lundgren, barely focusing in his smack haze, accepts the bottle.
Lundgren proceeds to eat the bottle. Afterward, blood pouring from his lacerated mouth, he hiccups.

JACKSON: "Damn."

A wet, flatulant sound eminates from Lundgren, who giggles. Jackson frowns, sniffing the air.

JACKSON: "What the...? Did you just shit cho muthafuckin' pants?! Holy fucking shit, Gunner!! What the fuck is wrong witchoo?!"


Rourke waits in the blue light, in his tear-filled reverie, for Stallone to leave the shop. Then he stands, slowly removes his shirt, and picks up a hand mirror. On the back of the mirror is a sticker reading "EXPENDABLES." Shot of this sticker is held for eleven seconds. Then Rourke slowly turns his back to a large mirror on the wall, and uses the smaller mirror to ponder a tattoo on his back. The tattoo is huge, black ink, photorealistic... depicts a beautiful, chesty Croat girl in a summer dress, about to fling herself from a river bridge. Her expression is one of incalculable pain, yet in her eyes there's still the tiniest spark of hope, as though she dares fate to grant her salvation at the last possible instant.

ROURKE [whispering]: "I'll never forget you, Bridge Girl."


The truck of soldiers chases after Statham & Stallone. As it roars through the capital, a peasant boy hurls a piece of fruit after the soldiers in a display of resistance [this scene made the final cut].


The soldiers' truck skids to a halt, backs up, and the pair of soldiers next to the tailgate empty their automatic rifle magazines into the youthful Che, reducing his body to a spasming pile of lasagna.
Then it's back into gear, and on with the chase!

I'm also guessing there'll be an interview with the actress who played Sandra, the General's Daughter, vis-a-vis the compelling waterboarding scene. She might, I don't know, say...

"Tha scene woss so powerful, yes? We have shot it manny, manny times, ahntell Meester Stallone he say is just right. Then I see how ees come out, and I'm like, wow! How doze he do it? They rope... they writhing... they water ees beading up on my firm, round, tanned, heaving breasts... so passionate. Almose... sensual?"

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